As I shared earlier, my mind is jumbled and blank all at the same time.
This leaves me in a place I've never been....quiet.
If you know me in real life, I am a talker. I am not overly quiet either. When I was younger and less secure with myself, quiet made me uncomfortable.
While I have grown to be content in the quiet, and even appreciate it, I RARELY experience it.
Not only do I have 5 kids which equals loud. My husband is loud, my family is loud, my friends laugh a ton....mostly b.c I am so funny (bwahahahah...just kidding). All this to say....quiet isn't apart of my average day.
Although my surroundings are all the same, thus the outward noise rages on....inside my head seems to be so quiet.
You might think this sounds appealling and maybe in some way it is. But for the most part is frustrating. B.c this quiet seems more numbing than peaceful. It would seem as if my depth is gone.
And, if you know me in real life, you also know that small talk isn't my thing....DEPTH is my thing. Lets just get to the root of it! Lets figure it all out! I like to think and analyze and understand why and how things are the way they are.
Its a bit annoying to be lacking this depth in conversations with my loved ones....but its is maddening to be lacking it in my time with God.
You see...I NEED God. I ache for Him in a way that I can not explain. When I don't have solid, quality time with Him on a regular basis...I feel as if I startt to fall apart. It makes sense why...when I am with Him regularly, there is more of Him dealing with my life. When I don't spend time with Him....there is more of ME to deal with me life.
shutter
I am not equipped to handle my life by myself (which was the plan of course....we weren't created to handle life on our own. We are clumsy and messy without Him).
All this to say I have been more or less groaning to God about how shallow I feel with Him. How uninspired or transformed I feel. How I am not getting any amazing revelations or insights.
And then today I read in Romans (the Message) "If we do'n't know how or what to pray it doesn't matter. He does our praying for us, making prayers out of our WORDLESS sighs and our aching GROANS. He knows us far better than we know ourselves. Knows our condition and keeps us present before God."
WHAT GOOD NEWS!!!! I have felt a bit nervous that I am falling away from God b.c of my lack of ability to pray or focus. I know HE will never leave me...but what if in my wierd state of mind these past few months I was leaving HIM?
But after reading this (which was an answer to prayer btw) I realize He KNOWS my heart. He KNOWS that despite all the quiet going on inside of me....my true desire is to always connect to Him. And on behalf of the Holy spirit...I AM praying and gowing deep even when "I" can't.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
jumbled and blank
I am sitting here, staring at the computer screen. It seems as if I have a gazillion things in my head...and nothing all at the same time.
That pretty much sums up how I have been since my surgery: an annoying mixture of blank and jumbled.
I am not doing bad, per say. But I am not great. I feel very much like I can't continue in one direction without realizing that somewhere along the way, my destination changed. Thus...the jumbled.
I have also felt a bit inept in conversation. Not totally focused and usually not having much to offer. Thus...the blank.
In addition to all of this, I have been quite emotional. But not so much in a sad, hopeless way. But more of an angry, lack of tollerance way.
Don't you wish we hung out?!
Tantrums have been happening left and right the past few weeks..and sadly and humbly I admit, they are not from my children. Oh no....they are all mine to claim.
Over what? I have no idea really. I felt a bit like I am going to burst from the inside out....which makes me want to run like mad....which makes me a feel even more like I could burst since I CANT run.
Thankfully I have only experienced that twice.
The rest of the time I have been able to behave like a half way normal 34 year old. Half way I said.
My dr confirmed that my hormones have not been altered so I am most likely dealing with some depression. This doesn't exactly surprise me. It is something I have been prayerfully preparing for. I struggled with depression most of last year, so it would make sense that something as life changing and exhausting as this surgery has been would suck me back down a bit.
Luckily, its that time of year where we start wearing swimsuits....and of course I could really use a new one. Which means I have been able to do some swimsuit shopping recently. And as we all know, nothing helps a girls state of mine like putting her winter-white body into a swimsuit under flourecent lights!
Ella was good for encouragement though when she reminded me that I "could always get a tummy tuck"
I want to know how she even knows what that is?!?! lol .....that girl.
I have also realized that I am mad about my weight restriction.
or, my ridiculously stupid weight restriction as I have lovingly named it. Has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say?...Bitter?? Well, maybe some of that too!
Although I have been very resourceful in getting Tad in and out of shopping carts and the swingset at the playground and figuring out ways to get my laundry baskets (which unfortuatnely is often more than 20 lbs) to and from my "folding sight" (sight doesn't even really describe it...its more like "folding camp" as I tend to set up camp for many many days to get my laundry done), etc.
I am proud of myself for my resourcefulness, I also find myself being so annoyed. Maybe just a tad MAD too. Tad was really sick last week and I needed to bring him to the dr....and yet I couldn't carry him in. I needed to make him climb in and out of the vehicle by himself, I had to put him in the stroller, I needed the nurse to put him on the scale and table....b.c he is way over 20 lbs.
I also feel so helpless when I need everyone around me to do everything for me. You see, I am a strong woman. I say this with no intentions of conceitedness....but just out of explenation why this weight restriction has been hard to swallow.
I move furniture all the time...my piano, my couches, my fridge, our beds. And I don't even just mean within the room they are stationed....I mean from room to room. Occassionally up and down the stairs too =) You may call this foolish.....thats ok. Bill would agree!
But the point is, this is who I am.
Once, when Bill and I were first married, we had ordered a metal headboard and footboard from JC Pennys. It was delivered to the local store, but Bill was out of town for several days when it came in. I, of course, could not wait for him so I went and picked it up. I got it ONTOP of my Jeep at the store, got it OFF the jeep at home, got it INTO my home and then set it up (to be honest, I am not quite sure how I did that b.c it WAS really heavy!) You may call me impatient...again, Bill would agree. I just like to consider myself.....well.......................ok. I can't come up with a good word. So, we'll just leave it at that.
So, back to my 20 lb weigh limit (aka RSWR). I now have to ask people to move endtables or benches. A 24 pack of pop is pretty much where I max out!
And of course...don't get me started on not being able to swing my kids (mostly this all applies to Tad) around while we dance. Or being able to pick them up to comfort them when they get hurt. Or physically putting them (ehem...Tad) in their bed when I tell them to get in and they (ehem...Tad) act like they don't need to listen.
All of this has made it hard to adjust. Of course, it helps to remember that the reason for my surgery and weight restriction is b.c I HAD all of these kids....and I would give up all of that for these 5 beauties any day. And when I remember that....I don't feel mad at all. Just grateful
That pretty much sums up how I have been since my surgery: an annoying mixture of blank and jumbled.
I am not doing bad, per say. But I am not great. I feel very much like I can't continue in one direction without realizing that somewhere along the way, my destination changed. Thus...the jumbled.
I have also felt a bit inept in conversation. Not totally focused and usually not having much to offer. Thus...the blank.
In addition to all of this, I have been quite emotional. But not so much in a sad, hopeless way. But more of an angry, lack of tollerance way.
Don't you wish we hung out?!
Tantrums have been happening left and right the past few weeks..and sadly and humbly I admit, they are not from my children. Oh no....they are all mine to claim.
Over what? I have no idea really. I felt a bit like I am going to burst from the inside out....which makes me want to run like mad....which makes me a feel even more like I could burst since I CANT run.
Thankfully I have only experienced that twice.
The rest of the time I have been able to behave like a half way normal 34 year old. Half way I said.
My dr confirmed that my hormones have not been altered so I am most likely dealing with some depression. This doesn't exactly surprise me. It is something I have been prayerfully preparing for. I struggled with depression most of last year, so it would make sense that something as life changing and exhausting as this surgery has been would suck me back down a bit.
Luckily, its that time of year where we start wearing swimsuits....and of course I could really use a new one. Which means I have been able to do some swimsuit shopping recently. And as we all know, nothing helps a girls state of mine like putting her winter-white body into a swimsuit under flourecent lights!
Ella was good for encouragement though when she reminded me that I "could always get a tummy tuck"
I want to know how she even knows what that is?!?! lol .....that girl.
I have also realized that I am mad about my weight restriction.
or, my ridiculously stupid weight restriction as I have lovingly named it. Has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say?...Bitter?? Well, maybe some of that too!
Although I have been very resourceful in getting Tad in and out of shopping carts and the swingset at the playground and figuring out ways to get my laundry baskets (which unfortuatnely is often more than 20 lbs) to and from my "folding sight" (sight doesn't even really describe it...its more like "folding camp" as I tend to set up camp for many many days to get my laundry done), etc.
I am proud of myself for my resourcefulness, I also find myself being so annoyed. Maybe just a tad MAD too. Tad was really sick last week and I needed to bring him to the dr....and yet I couldn't carry him in. I needed to make him climb in and out of the vehicle by himself, I had to put him in the stroller, I needed the nurse to put him on the scale and table....b.c he is way over 20 lbs.
I also feel so helpless when I need everyone around me to do everything for me. You see, I am a strong woman. I say this with no intentions of conceitedness....but just out of explenation why this weight restriction has been hard to swallow.
I move furniture all the time...my piano, my couches, my fridge, our beds. And I don't even just mean within the room they are stationed....I mean from room to room. Occassionally up and down the stairs too =) You may call this foolish.....thats ok. Bill would agree!
But the point is, this is who I am.
Once, when Bill and I were first married, we had ordered a metal headboard and footboard from JC Pennys. It was delivered to the local store, but Bill was out of town for several days when it came in. I, of course, could not wait for him so I went and picked it up. I got it ONTOP of my Jeep at the store, got it OFF the jeep at home, got it INTO my home and then set it up (to be honest, I am not quite sure how I did that b.c it WAS really heavy!) You may call me impatient...again, Bill would agree. I just like to consider myself.....well.......................ok. I can't come up with a good word. So, we'll just leave it at that.
So, back to my 20 lb weigh limit (aka RSWR). I now have to ask people to move endtables or benches. A 24 pack of pop is pretty much where I max out!
And of course...don't get me started on not being able to swing my kids (mostly this all applies to Tad) around while we dance. Or being able to pick them up to comfort them when they get hurt. Or physically putting them (ehem...Tad) in their bed when I tell them to get in and they (ehem...Tad) act like they don't need to listen.
All of this has made it hard to adjust. Of course, it helps to remember that the reason for my surgery and weight restriction is b.c I HAD all of these kids....and I would give up all of that for these 5 beauties any day. And when I remember that....I don't feel mad at all. Just grateful
Thursday, May 10, 2012
this is long and possibly boring...but I had to document my surgery and recovery
my surgery
If you want to hear the details of what my surgery was all about, you can read that here
I am just barley 5 weeks past the day and yet it feels like 6 months. So much of it has been a blur, but I will do my best to recall it all...if nothing else, for me in the future.
The actual surgery was done on a Monday morning and went well. I guess my 3 hernias she had to fix were the sizes of tennis balls...which I guess was crazy to my surgeon.
I woke up from surgery to one of my dear friends as my nurse. I hardly remember her being there but what I do remember was that it was such a comfort to have her there!
I was very surprised by the amount of pain I was in...especially in my back. But if you had been hanging around the hospital you would have had a treat watching me walk the halls...I looked like a 100 year old woman with severe back problems! I was basically hunched in half trying to walk!
I slept a lot the 3 days I was in the hospital...I had a supra pubic catheter to help retrain my bladder. So I pretty much remember sleeping and figuring that contraption out. I have pretty much zero appetite which had a lot to do with my pain medicine (it took awhile to figure out what I could take that didn't cause me to throw up).
My mom stayed with me most of the time which, allow I don't remember much of it, was extremely comforting.
The end of day 3 my surgeon said I could head home! yay
My wonderful sister was at my house the entire time I was gone and then planned to continue to stay for several more days. This turned out to be a wonderful blessing for more reasons than I could have imagined.
The day after I came home I was continually feeling more and more pain. By that evening I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to the ER.
In a nutshell, the ER dr told me I had two choices: either I wasn't managing my pain well so I could be readmitted for pain management OR I could go home and just continue to manage my pain.
I was pretty disgusted by his conclusion b.c i didn't believe the pain I was in was surgery related...I really felt something else was going on.
Well, I was obviously right. 2 hours later I woke up from my sleep in more pain than I had ever dealt with in my life...and please remember I have had 5 children and have experienced labor up to 9 cm with no medication....It took me about 10 minutes just to get myself out of my bed b.c I hurt so much (Bill wasn't sleeping with me b.c it hurt too much when he would move)
Somehow I ended up in the kitchen (trying to take my pain meds I think) which woke up my sister. She was very afraid since she had never seen me hurting so much (I was sobbing by this point). She called the hospital on my behalf and somewhere in there Bill woke up and brought me back in.
I don't remember much after this, but I know the ER dr decided to take blood this time and at some point in the night i was admitted to the hospital again.
The next morning my primary dr happened to be the on call dr (praise God! I was so grateful to see him!) so I woke up to him and the other surgeon. They were very concerned b.c apparently they found urine on outside of my bladder (believe it or not this is not ok! lol) and my creatinine levels were really high which meant my kidneys weren't functioning properly.
So...back into surgery I went. This time with a urologist who did exploratory surgery to figure out what was going on. He ended up putting a stent in my right ureter (don't feel bad if you don't know what any of this means...I had to google it all to know!)
I ended up in the hospital 2 more days but THANKFULLY the unbearable pain was gone. And, once again, my mom stayed with me!! (which was a huge comfort to Bill since he couldn't stay)
The interesting thing about this experience is I was told by several people after the fact that when they heard I was back in the hospital waiting to find out what was going on, they were PRAYING FOR MY LIFE..as if they felt my life was in danger. That gives me chills...I can't wait to find out someday what would have happened had I not had SO many people praying for me!
I woke up Easter morning (I had gotten home the second time Saturday afternoon) with a significant fever so Bill and I spent the day in the ER. I had a bladder infection so they gave me an antibiotic (to add to my gazillion other meds I was taking!)and sent me home.
The next few days are a blur. I spelt a lot, had some visitors who I hardly saw b.c I was so tired, tried to walk several times a day per my drs instructions (and by walk, I mean 3-4 blocks....so crazy that was all I could do!) I still had very little appetite and was in a decent amount of pain...but nothing a little (ehem...a lot) vicodin couldn't handle.
(my walking partner everytime I went out!)
That Tuesday I ended up in the clinic to get my catheter out per my surgeons desire. Apparently she felt it should have come out the minute they saw urine was on the outside of my bladder. She also changed my antibiotic to something more powerful.
Wednesday, 3 days after being in the ER the last time I had to go back b.c I couldn't stop throwing up. They got that under control and gave me more antibiotics. I also ended up having a renal scan (?? can''t remember the specific name) to make sure my bladder was draining sufficiently. The tech told me it was hardly draining at all. After they got everything under control i went home. again.
Friday I went to see my urologist who did an ultra sound on my bladder and said that whatever happened during the scan the day before he saw my bladder was draining fine...which was great news. He left my stent in for another week and a half.
So...almost 2 weeks post first surgery, my healing finally began.
My amazing sister stayed for TWELVE days to take care of me...after that my mom, sil and mil all took turns coming. I had people here for 3 full weeks which was totally needed. I also had meals being delivered out my EARS! It was amazing. I actually just had my last meal delivered last night and still have several in the freezer. I don't know how I would have survived without them!
whew...I am exhausted reliving all of that! lol
As of now, I am "ok". Physically I am doing SO much better. Emotionally...well, that's a whole other subject which I will blog about at another time!
right now...I need a nap!
If you want to hear the details of what my surgery was all about, you can read that here
I am just barley 5 weeks past the day and yet it feels like 6 months. So much of it has been a blur, but I will do my best to recall it all...if nothing else, for me in the future.
The actual surgery was done on a Monday morning and went well. I guess my 3 hernias she had to fix were the sizes of tennis balls...which I guess was crazy to my surgeon.
I woke up from surgery to one of my dear friends as my nurse. I hardly remember her being there but what I do remember was that it was such a comfort to have her there!
I was very surprised by the amount of pain I was in...especially in my back. But if you had been hanging around the hospital you would have had a treat watching me walk the halls...I looked like a 100 year old woman with severe back problems! I was basically hunched in half trying to walk!
I slept a lot the 3 days I was in the hospital...I had a supra pubic catheter to help retrain my bladder. So I pretty much remember sleeping and figuring that contraption out. I have pretty much zero appetite which had a lot to do with my pain medicine (it took awhile to figure out what I could take that didn't cause me to throw up).
My mom stayed with me most of the time which, allow I don't remember much of it, was extremely comforting.
The end of day 3 my surgeon said I could head home! yay
My wonderful sister was at my house the entire time I was gone and then planned to continue to stay for several more days. This turned out to be a wonderful blessing for more reasons than I could have imagined.
In a nutshell, the ER dr told me I had two choices: either I wasn't managing my pain well so I could be readmitted for pain management OR I could go home and just continue to manage my pain.
I was pretty disgusted by his conclusion b.c i didn't believe the pain I was in was surgery related...I really felt something else was going on.
Well, I was obviously right. 2 hours later I woke up from my sleep in more pain than I had ever dealt with in my life...and please remember I have had 5 children and have experienced labor up to 9 cm with no medication....It took me about 10 minutes just to get myself out of my bed b.c I hurt so much (Bill wasn't sleeping with me b.c it hurt too much when he would move)
Somehow I ended up in the kitchen (trying to take my pain meds I think) which woke up my sister. She was very afraid since she had never seen me hurting so much (I was sobbing by this point). She called the hospital on my behalf and somewhere in there Bill woke up and brought me back in.
I don't remember much after this, but I know the ER dr decided to take blood this time and at some point in the night i was admitted to the hospital again.
The next morning my primary dr happened to be the on call dr (praise God! I was so grateful to see him!) so I woke up to him and the other surgeon. They were very concerned b.c apparently they found urine on outside of my bladder (believe it or not this is not ok! lol) and my creatinine levels were really high which meant my kidneys weren't functioning properly.
So...back into surgery I went. This time with a urologist who did exploratory surgery to figure out what was going on. He ended up putting a stent in my right ureter (don't feel bad if you don't know what any of this means...I had to google it all to know!)
I ended up in the hospital 2 more days but THANKFULLY the unbearable pain was gone. And, once again, my mom stayed with me!! (which was a huge comfort to Bill since he couldn't stay)
The interesting thing about this experience is I was told by several people after the fact that when they heard I was back in the hospital waiting to find out what was going on, they were PRAYING FOR MY LIFE..as if they felt my life was in danger. That gives me chills...I can't wait to find out someday what would have happened had I not had SO many people praying for me!
I woke up Easter morning (I had gotten home the second time Saturday afternoon) with a significant fever so Bill and I spent the day in the ER. I had a bladder infection so they gave me an antibiotic (to add to my gazillion other meds I was taking!)and sent me home.
The next few days are a blur. I spelt a lot, had some visitors who I hardly saw b.c I was so tired, tried to walk several times a day per my drs instructions (and by walk, I mean 3-4 blocks....so crazy that was all I could do!) I still had very little appetite and was in a decent amount of pain...but nothing a little (ehem...a lot) vicodin couldn't handle.
That Tuesday I ended up in the clinic to get my catheter out per my surgeons desire. Apparently she felt it should have come out the minute they saw urine was on the outside of my bladder. She also changed my antibiotic to something more powerful.
Wednesday, 3 days after being in the ER the last time I had to go back b.c I couldn't stop throwing up. They got that under control and gave me more antibiotics. I also ended up having a renal scan (?? can''t remember the specific name) to make sure my bladder was draining sufficiently. The tech told me it was hardly draining at all. After they got everything under control i went home. again.
Friday I went to see my urologist who did an ultra sound on my bladder and said that whatever happened during the scan the day before he saw my bladder was draining fine...which was great news. He left my stent in for another week and a half.
So...almost 2 weeks post first surgery, my healing finally began.
My amazing sister stayed for TWELVE days to take care of me...after that my mom, sil and mil all took turns coming. I had people here for 3 full weeks which was totally needed. I also had meals being delivered out my EARS! It was amazing. I actually just had my last meal delivered last night and still have several in the freezer. I don't know how I would have survived without them!
whew...I am exhausted reliving all of that! lol
As of now, I am "ok". Physically I am doing SO much better. Emotionally...well, that's a whole other subject which I will blog about at another time!
right now...I need a nap!
Things you hear in a house with kids...
I have been wanting to write down all the funny things my kids have said recently....so, here goes! (most of these things are quotes I have put on facebook, but want them all in one place. If you follow me on fb, you may be disappointed at the lack of new material!)
when we took Tate to Nickelodeon Universe for his birthday, we didn't realize how NOT into rides he was. But we found out right away when we walked past fun ride after fun ride until we saw the Merry Go Round. To which he yelled "Now THAT'S what I was looking for!"
Tad: tiggy say 'Tads up'. That's what tiggy say
Me:its because you're up but supposed to be sleeping
Tad:yup
__________________________________________
Trigg is walking around the house, talking in a surfer boy voice, "I'm a dude man! I 'm a dude!!"
________________________________________
When Tad wants an underdog on the swing....he asks for a hot dog!
____________________________________________
trigg: mommy...you know that area where you cook food and oatmeal?
me: the kitchen?
Trigg: yup
____________________________________________
hey trigg, are you being a cowboy today? NOPE...I'm a cow GIRL today
______________________________________________
Yesterday Ella was putting on "classes", which trigg (4) attended, to learn how to dress....... to go on a date
______________________________________________
What does it say about my house when I'm ironing and Tucker says , with much confusion, 'what IS this ? What are you doing??!!'
_______________________________________________
As Tate is listening to an awesome go fish song he says "man! I love this song! It makes me want be in heaven right now!!"
Is it weird that those words make me ridiculously happy?! :-)
________________________________________________
Tate came running in the house, so excited b.c he just gave his friend the "tater salad show down"...aka sprayed him with the hose
when we took Tate to Nickelodeon Universe for his birthday, we didn't realize how NOT into rides he was. But we found out right away when we walked past fun ride after fun ride until we saw the Merry Go Round. To which he yelled "Now THAT'S what I was looking for!"
Tad: tiggy say 'Tads up'. That's what tiggy say
Me:its because you're up but supposed to be sleeping
Tad:yup
__________________________________________
Trigg is walking around the house, talking in a surfer boy voice, "I'm a dude man! I 'm a dude!!"
________________________________________
____________________________________________
trigg: mommy...you know that area where you cook food and oatmeal?
me: the kitchen?
Trigg: yup
____________________________________________
______________________________________________
Yesterday Ella was putting on "classes", which trigg (4) attended, to learn how to dress....... to go on a date
______________________________________________
What does it say about my house when I'm ironing and Tucker says , with much confusion, 'what IS this ? What are you doing??!!'
_______________________________________________
As Tate is listening to an awesome go fish song he says "man! I love this song! It makes me want be in heaven right now!!"
Is it weird that those words make me ridiculously happy?! :-)
________________________________________________
Tate came running in the house, so excited b.c he just gave his friend the "tater salad show down"...aka sprayed him with the hose
Monday, May 7, 2012
well, it has been pretty quiet around these parts latley, hasn't it?!
I am so excited to say I am typing this from my new laptop!!! I haven't had a laptop in about 5 years! Which has meant that in order to write..I have had to go sit in my family room, located in the basement. Which, of course, isn't the end of the world. I really like my family room.
However, over this past year, I have spent more and more time down their due to homeschooling. And for whatever reason, the thought of going into my basement for writing hasn't been appealing....so, I haven't written.
But, I really miss it!
So, now that I have a LAPTOP again, I can write whenever and wherever I want!
like right now...sitting in my bed! Next to my snoring husband!
aahhh....this is the life.
a gazillion things have happend over the past several months.
2 half marathons...check
2 kids have turned another year older....check
Bill and I were TAKEN on a ski trip...check
Bill was TAKEN on a Montana snowmobile trip...check
get a dishwashwer for the first time in our marrid life!!!...check
had surgery...check
had a horrible recovery the first few weeks....check
my running career is over at the ripe young age of 34...check
I am back to normal.....well, this is where the checks stop.
I will tell you all about my surgery and recovery soon, but I wanted to post some pictures from my half marathon that I did St. Pattys day. It was my last run ever. for life. still kind of crazy to say that....but I am feeling ok about it.
I am so excited to say I am typing this from my new laptop!!! I haven't had a laptop in about 5 years! Which has meant that in order to write..I have had to go sit in my family room, located in the basement. Which, of course, isn't the end of the world. I really like my family room.
However, over this past year, I have spent more and more time down their due to homeschooling. And for whatever reason, the thought of going into my basement for writing hasn't been appealing....so, I haven't written.
But, I really miss it!
So, now that I have a LAPTOP again, I can write whenever and wherever I want!
like right now...sitting in my bed! Next to my snoring husband!
aahhh....this is the life.
a gazillion things have happend over the past several months.
2 half marathons...check
2 kids have turned another year older....check
Bill and I were TAKEN on a ski trip...check
Bill was TAKEN on a Montana snowmobile trip...check
get a dishwashwer for the first time in our marrid life!!!...check
had surgery...check
had a horrible recovery the first few weeks....check
my running career is over at the ripe young age of 34...check
I am back to normal.....well, this is where the checks stop.
I will tell you all about my surgery and recovery soon, but I wanted to post some pictures from my half marathon that I did St. Pattys day. It was my last run ever. for life. still kind of crazy to say that....but I am feeling ok about it.
My sister arranged for my entire family, along with some friends, to come and cheer me on since this was my last race!! They were spread out along the route...here I am hugging my mom....This was mile 10 and I was dying. I have slight asthma and this day was HUMID and HOT...which of course, being march in MN I had not been training in. So, my breathing was really hard for a few miles...so hard I kept crying! It was crazy. So, seeing some of my family at this point was perfect timing! It gave me the kick I needed to finish!
I totally kicked it into gear at the end to pass this guy right infront of me! lol
My friend, Jennifer, trained specifically for this race...her first half...just so she could run once with me before I was done running!
btw...if you wonder if you need adjust the color of your screen...you do not. Our hair is indee green. It was st. pattys day after all!
This day was amazing...I finished 2 hours 34 minutes....11 minutes faster than my first half in January. And that was even walking close to 2 miles while I tried to get my breathing under control! I am SO grateful I had the chance to run for a short amount of time before I had to give it up forever!
After the race, my sister had everyone meet up to have lunch with me after! What a great way to celebrate!!
I have to write this down so I never forget. When I first started back up running in the fall of 2011, I was running 13.5 minute miles. By late winter of 2012 I was averaging 9-9.5 minute miles! I even ran almost 3 miles at 8.5 minute miles! So fun to have improved my time in such a short peroiod of time!
Next stop? BIKING! We are planning on getting me a road bike in the next few weeks!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
ella turns 9!
This year we took Ella skiing for the first time for her birthday date!! She was SO SO SO excited. As were we! I have been skiing regularly the past two years. Bill has skiied once and has just taken up snow boarding so it was all up to me to teach her =)
Luckily we have some friends we could borrow some skis from! And my sister in law is a ski instructor so gave me some over the phone pointers (if she wasn't 8 months preggo she would've come to give her a lesson) so I had an idea of where to begin to teach her
We spend the first half hour like this. I'm not gonna lie....I was ready to call it quits! lol
But, we went in to eat dinner and came out all refueled and ready to go
some guy offered to take a picture...he said "oh! what a great family picture! you can send this out for Christmas!" little did he know we were missing 4 more people!
I was told this was the best way to get up the tow rope....for her maybeman that hurt my back!
It turns out I can ski backwards!
Her and I on the chair lift! She was so excited/scarred
Going down a BIG hill...me going backwards....see her holding my glove? =) She was SO proud of herself after this run!
She spent the rest of the night on the big bunny hill just bombing it...she loved it! She didn't really like messing with stuff like "turning" and "stopping". you know...that stuff that makes up skiing!
It turns out I can ski backwards!
Her and I on the chair lift! She was so excited/scarred
Going down a BIG hill...me going backwards....see her holding my glove? =) She was SO proud of herself after this run!
She spent the rest of the night on the big bunny hill just bombing it...she loved it! She didn't really like messing with stuff like "turning" and "stopping". you know...that stuff that makes up skiing! Even though Bill isn't in many of the pictures b.c he was too busy still falling all over the hill on his snowboard, we had a blast =)
Friday, January 27, 2012
"less stressful meals"
Every wednesday night, my church offers dinner!!! All I have to do is show up, pay a small fee and its served to me!
Its heavenly.
And it really is no work to me. Especially when Bill isn't home.
Last wednesday was such nights. So, I loaded up the truck with all 5 kiddos...but first, someone let the dog out of the fence, and since he listens "real good" when he is on the run, I had to do a short drive around looking for him. Lucky for him, we found him fast.
I was hungry after all.
Then, we get to the parking lot...and I don't know what it is about the site of that pavement, but all my boys think its an invitation to race. And of course, you can't race without screaming at the top of your lungs. That would just be silly.
And b.c we apparently never work on our "inside" voices at home, that screaming carrys on into the church.
luckily people don't hate us there.
We then proceed to remove our hats, mittens, and coats. And it NEVER fails that we are greeted by the elderly gentleman who loves children but insits on chasing them around. As if my kids need practice at running. So, I am lovingly and calmly and most definatley cursing under my breath, trying to get them all coralled (how in the world do you spell that?!) so we can get in line.
I'm hungry...remember?
We finally do get into line...and no matter how early I get there, its always a 10 minute wait...b.c the food is that good. Luckily, there are all kinds of people who adore my children and love entertaining them by tickeling them and pretend-punching them and throwing them around a bit. This always helps them settle down.
After many agonizing.....ehem...I mean wonderful minutes of wating, we get to the food line.
Now. This is always a little daunting. As I only have 2 hands.
Thankfully, 3 of my children are more than capable of carrying their own plates AND dishing themselves up (now, if they get ouf of the line with a plate of only chips and bread is another story) but the other 2 are NOT capable but THINK they are capable . So, its a battle of not only balancing their plates and mine in my hands...but trying to keep their grubby little paws off the plates.
oh. sorry. was that harsh?
You will have to excuse the tone. I am sweting rediculous amounts of swet at this point in the night. And as I am sitting at my computer reminiscing..I can't help but notice I am clentching my jaw a considerable amount.
I just took a minute to relax. I am back.
So. We are finally thru the food line, which, unfortunately, takes us past the ICE CREAM buffet before we can get to our seats. Lets just say I have become very creative at using all sorts of body parts to direct those wondering children (feet, hips, even my butt come in real handy).
Once we are at our seats, we take up an entire table, so sadly I never get the company of any other adult...but at least we all fit at one so I don't have to straddle two tables....that would just be embaressing.
I get everyone their drink of choice, we play whining chairs (its alot like musical chairs, without the music and with whining. oddly, its not quite as fun) until everyone is satisfied with their eating partner and by the time I sit down to eat...our first cup of milk has spilled.
I would like to just pause and ask...why is it NEVER the WATER that spills???
Anyways, i stand, my hands making a baracade to the milk so it doesn't drip all over the floor, trying to lovingly yell at my older kids to HURRY UP AND GET ME MORE THAN HALF A NAPKIN FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!!
excuse me while I unclentch my jaw again...............................
well. When all is said and done. We have had 2 cups of spilled milk, I have gotten up from my seat to chase down wondering children 732 times, used up about half a pack of family sized napkins and made a few trips to the kitchen for wet washcloths and a few minutes locked in a closet of darkness all by myself. Who cares if all 5 kids are left unattended out in the midst of 300 other people trying to enjoy their meals!!!
shoot. I swore I would never tell anyone that.
As you can see. This is MUCH less stressful than just cooking a blasted meal at home!
Its heavenly.
And it really is no work to me. Especially when Bill isn't home.
Last wednesday was such nights. So, I loaded up the truck with all 5 kiddos...but first, someone let the dog out of the fence, and since he listens "real good" when he is on the run, I had to do a short drive around looking for him. Lucky for him, we found him fast.
I was hungry after all.
Then, we get to the parking lot...and I don't know what it is about the site of that pavement, but all my boys think its an invitation to race. And of course, you can't race without screaming at the top of your lungs. That would just be silly.
And b.c we apparently never work on our "inside" voices at home, that screaming carrys on into the church.
luckily people don't hate us there.
We then proceed to remove our hats, mittens, and coats. And it NEVER fails that we are greeted by the elderly gentleman who loves children but insits on chasing them around. As if my kids need practice at running. So, I am lovingly and calmly and most definatley cursing under my breath, trying to get them all coralled (how in the world do you spell that?!) so we can get in line.
I'm hungry...remember?
We finally do get into line...and no matter how early I get there, its always a 10 minute wait...b.c the food is that good. Luckily, there are all kinds of people who adore my children and love entertaining them by tickeling them and pretend-punching them and throwing them around a bit. This always helps them settle down.
After many agonizing.....ehem...I mean wonderful minutes of wating, we get to the food line.
Now. This is always a little daunting. As I only have 2 hands.
Thankfully, 3 of my children are more than capable of carrying their own plates AND dishing themselves up (now, if they get ouf of the line with a plate of only chips and bread is another story) but the other 2 are NOT capable but THINK they are capable . So, its a battle of not only balancing their plates and mine in my hands...but trying to keep their grubby little paws off the plates.
oh. sorry. was that harsh?
You will have to excuse the tone. I am sweting rediculous amounts of swet at this point in the night. And as I am sitting at my computer reminiscing..I can't help but notice I am clentching my jaw a considerable amount.
I just took a minute to relax. I am back.
So. We are finally thru the food line, which, unfortunately, takes us past the ICE CREAM buffet before we can get to our seats. Lets just say I have become very creative at using all sorts of body parts to direct those wondering children (feet, hips, even my butt come in real handy).
Once we are at our seats, we take up an entire table, so sadly I never get the company of any other adult...but at least we all fit at one so I don't have to straddle two tables....that would just be embaressing.
I get everyone their drink of choice, we play whining chairs (its alot like musical chairs, without the music and with whining. oddly, its not quite as fun) until everyone is satisfied with their eating partner and by the time I sit down to eat...our first cup of milk has spilled.
I would like to just pause and ask...why is it NEVER the WATER that spills???
Anyways, i stand, my hands making a baracade to the milk so it doesn't drip all over the floor, trying to lovingly yell at my older kids to HURRY UP AND GET ME MORE THAN HALF A NAPKIN FOR GOODNESS SAKES!!!
excuse me while I unclentch my jaw again...............................
well. When all is said and done. We have had 2 cups of spilled milk, I have gotten up from my seat to chase down wondering children 732 times, used up about half a pack of family sized napkins and made a few trips to the kitchen for wet washcloths and a few minutes locked in a closet of darkness all by myself. Who cares if all 5 kids are left unattended out in the midst of 300 other people trying to enjoy their meals!!!
shoot. I swore I would never tell anyone that.
As you can see. This is MUCH less stressful than just cooking a blasted meal at home!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
read my warning before you read. Especially if you're a man
warning: this post will use words that you may not be comfortable with. Words such as bladder, uterus.....I wont expand. YET. But know, you've been warned
It turns out having 5 kids, 3 of them LONG HARD labors, can cause your insides to fall out!
Its true. That's where I am.
I saw my dr/surgeon yesterday b.c I have been having ridiculous lack of ability to control my urine. I mean, like, I pee my pants. Often. Its like my water breaks over and over...you know...zero control.
It turns out I have whats called a prolapsed bladder, uterus and rectum. I have 3 hernias that need to be repaired. In order to do this, she will do a hysterectomy (leave my ovaries) so she can use the muscles? from it to put my bladder and rectum back in place.
I am doing 100% ok about having a hysterectomy. I have heard its an easy surgery to recover from. I had already processed whether I was done having kids when I had my tubes tied after having Tad. I figure, I don't use my uterus anymore...I don't even really know what it looks like..I can do without it!
The thing I WASN'T expecting was the limitations the bladder/rectum repair would cause.
For the rest of my life.
I will be restricted to lifting a max of 20 lb for life.
crazy!
And NO running.
Ever again!
When the dr told me this, I cried
and cried
and cried some more
Then I called Bill to tell him...and I cried again
And then I called my mom (this time out of the clinic) and I sobbed.
I am REALLY sad about this (hence all the crying)
But even a day after finding this out, I am feeling much better about it.
There is still SO much I CAN do.
I have been advised by many people to get a second opinion...and I probablly will. But, the research I have done, anyone else who has had ALL of these things done have had the same restrictions.
I am definately grieving a loss. I am ok with being sad about this. I am ok that its "just running" and yet its kind of breaking my heart.
But, I also know that sooner than later, I will be ok about not running.
I have 2 half marathons before my surgery (which is 4/2) so I will at least leave my joys of running behind by going out with a bang!
(*I am not sure why some of my writing is highlighted yellow. I couldn't get it off!)
It turns out having 5 kids, 3 of them LONG HARD labors, can cause your insides to fall out!
Its true. That's where I am.
I saw my dr/surgeon yesterday b.c I have been having ridiculous lack of ability to control my urine. I mean, like, I pee my pants. Often. Its like my water breaks over and over...you know...zero control.
It turns out I have whats called a prolapsed bladder, uterus and rectum. I have 3 hernias that need to be repaired. In order to do this, she will do a hysterectomy (leave my ovaries) so she can use the muscles? from it to put my bladder and rectum back in place.
I am doing 100% ok about having a hysterectomy. I have heard its an easy surgery to recover from. I had already processed whether I was done having kids when I had my tubes tied after having Tad. I figure, I don't use my uterus anymore...I don't even really know what it looks like..I can do without it!
The thing I WASN'T expecting was the limitations the bladder/rectum repair would cause.
For the rest of my life.
I will be restricted to lifting a max of 20 lb for life.
crazy!
And NO running.
Ever again!
When the dr told me this, I cried
and cried
and cried some more
Then I called Bill to tell him...and I cried again
And then I called my mom (this time out of the clinic) and I sobbed.
I am REALLY sad about this (hence all the crying)
But even a day after finding this out, I am feeling much better about it.
There is still SO much I CAN do.
I have been advised by many people to get a second opinion...and I probablly will. But, the research I have done, anyone else who has had ALL of these things done have had the same restrictions.
I am definately grieving a loss. I am ok with being sad about this. I am ok that its "just running" and yet its kind of breaking my heart.
But, I also know that sooner than later, I will be ok about not running.
I have 2 half marathons before my surgery (which is 4/2) so I will at least leave my joys of running behind by going out with a bang!
(*I am not sure why some of my writing is highlighted yellow. I couldn't get it off!)
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